The Praise Gap: Why I Stopped Telling My Kids I Was Proud of Them (And How to Fix It)

As a sales leader, you know that feedback drives performance. But here’s a truth that hits closer to home than any quarterly review: the silence you inherited from your own upbringing can quietly become the ceiling on your team’s growth—and your children’s confidence.

Let me share a story that changed how I lead, parent, and communicate. It’s about a bumper sticker, a college student, and a hard truth I ignored for decades.

The Bumper Sticker That Broke the Pattern

Several years ago, I was driving behind a car sporting a “my-child-is-an-honor-student” sticker. I turned to my oldest son—then in college—and said, “I always wanted one of those.”

His reply stopped me cold: “Why? It doesn’t mean anything.”

He was right, of course. Honor roll in elementary school doesn’t predict future success. But that wasn’t what I was really asking for. I was asking for permission to be proud. Permission to say, “I see you. I notice your effort. I’m proud of who you’re becoming.”

And that’s when I realized: I was repeating a pattern I didn’t even know I had.

The Silent Inheritance: Growing Up Without Praise

I was raised by parents who did not praise me. Their generation wasn’t “hardwired for affirmation,” as we’d say in modern parenting or management books. I was a well-behaved kid, a decent student, a pretty compliant daughter. I didn’t need positive reinforcement to stay motivated—but I sure would have loved to hear it sometimes.

Growing up in the mid-20th century, the expectation for most girls like me was to earn an MRS, not an MBA. So when I was accepted into all five colleges I applied to my senior year, my parents didn’t throw a parade.

The day the fifth acceptance letter arrived—from my first-choice school—I couldn’t wait to tell my dad. I’d hoped he’d be as happy as I was. If he was, he didn’t show it. To this day, I still feel the sting of that moment. No big hug. No “I’m proud of you.”

That silence became my default.

When Praise Goes Underground

Here’s the irony: I’ve always been exceedingly proud of each of my five children. I sing their praises constantly—to anyone who will listen. Friends, relatives, strangers in the grocery line. They all know my kids are wonderful.

But my kids? They rarely heard it directly.

I was effusive with praise when they were small. We celebrated every milestone: learning to use the toilet, tying their shoes, riding a bike. But as they grew, I became a much quieter cheerleader.

The year my third son’s Little League team won the championship, I consoled him when he struck out. But I didn’t high-five him for hitting the line drive that clinched the game.

Why? Because somewhere along the way, I learned that praise should be earned, not given. That it might make them soft. That they should just know I’m proud.

They didn’t know. And neither did my team.

The GTM Parallel: What Sales Leaders Forgot About Feedback

If you’re leading a revenue team right now, you’ve probably inherited some version of this playbook. You praise your top performers to the CEO. You celebrate wins in Slack. You publicly recognize revenue milestones.

But do your reps feel it?

In B2B SaaS, we obsess over data: pipeline velocity, conversion rates, ACV. We build compensation plans that reward outcomes. But the most powerful motivator isn’t a commission check—it’s direct, specific, timely recognition.

Think about it: how many reps on your team right now are crushing it, but they haven’t heard directly from you this quarter? How many AEs closed their biggest deal ever, and you mentioned it in a team meeting but never pulled them aside and said, “I’m proud of your perseverance”?

That’s the praise gap.

How to Break the Pattern (For Parents and Sales Leaders)

The painful conversation with my son changed how I parent adult kids. But the principles apply just as much to leading a team of reps.

Here’s what I’m doing differently—and what you can implement this week:

1. Praise Directly, Not Through Others

I used to say to my husband, “I’m so proud of John for finishing that project.” That doesn’t reach John. Now I send a text, write a note, or say it to his face.

In sales: Instead of only recognizing wins in team meetings, send a personal message. “Hey, I saw how you handled that objection on the 3:30 call. That was sharp. I’m proud of your growth.”

2. Be Specific and Timely

Generic praise (“good job”) is forgettable. Specific praise (“that line drive you hit in the third inning changed the momentum of the game”) sticks.

In sales: “I noticed you mapped the economic buyer’s priorities in that discovery call. That’s why the CEO agreed to a second meeting. Keep doing that.”

3. Don’t Wait for Perfection

My parents didn’t praise because they were waiting for something big enough. But praise isn’t reserved for Dean’s List or million-dollar quarters. It’s for effort, resilience, and growth.

In sales: Recognize the rep who ran 5 demos this week even though none closed. Recognize the SDR who got 3 callbacks but no meetings. Praise the process, not just the outcome.

4. Start with Yourself

If you didn’t receive praise growing up, you probably won’t give it naturally. That’s okay. Start small. Set a weekly reminder: “Today, directly praise one direct report and one family member.”

5. Make It Safe to Receive Praise

Some people (like my son) deflect praise. “It doesn’t mean anything.” That’s a learned response from not receiving it. Gently push back: “I know you feel that way, but I’m saying it anyway: I’m proud of you.”

In sales: When a rep shrugs off a compliment, don’t let the silence land. Say it twice: “I mean it. That was excellent.”

What Happens When You Close the Gap

My son and I have talked about that bumper sticker moment several times since. It wasn’t the content of the conversation that changed things—it was the self-awareness I gained from it.

I’m still not perfect. I still catch myself praising my kids to others instead of to them. But now I notice. And when I notice, I act.

Your team will notice too. They’ll notice when you praise them directly instead of just cc’ing the VP. They’ll notice when you acknowledge effort instead of just results. And they’ll start doing the same for their own people.

Because the praise gap isn’t just about parenting. It’s about leadership. And the patterns you break today will ripple through your team, your family, and your future.

Start this week. Pick one person in your life—at work or at home—and tell them, directly, specifically, and without waiting for a perfect moment: “I’m proud of you.”

You might be surprised how much it means to them. And to you.